As a relationship coach, I see many people with good intentions make some very deadly mistakes in their relationship.  These mistakes actually give them the opposite of what they want as they interfere with connection and intimacy.

If you don’t become aware of these mistakes and change them, they eventually lead to disconnection and the death of the relationship.

Mistake #1:  Not Making Your Relationship a Priority

Lack of Connection is the number one reason that relationships fail!  You get too busy with other things and forget to make the relationship a priority.

Early in the relationship, in the Romance Stage, it’s easy because the endorphins are running and you want to spend as much time with each other as possible.  As the drugs wear off, it’s easy to forget to make the relationship a priority.  You begin to take the relationship for granted and the connection suffers.

What to do Instead…

Schedule time to connect with each other.  Relationships are like gardens.  If you fail to tend to them, they will grow over with weeds.

Share appreciations and gratitude on a regular basis.  You not only nourish the relationship, you nourish yourself.  You feel more open, happier and more loving.  What we focus on expands, so focus on those things you want to see more of.

And make sure you take time to talk about the important stuff. If you get stuck find a relationship coach to help.

Mistake #2:  Blaming

One of the reasons most of us blame is because it seems to work! It means we don’t have to experience the discomfort of looking at ourselves or take any responsibility for the situation.  It’s the OTHER person with the problem! We stay protected in our righteousness and our comfort zone.

The most destructive consequence from blaming is that you are being a victim and giving up your power to someone else.  Blaming depletes your energy and creates distance and resentment in your relationship.

What to do instead…

Take your power back. Take responsibility for your participation in whatever is happening.  (This does not mean you blame yourself).  You cannot be in a situation and not participate in it by your words, actions, lack of words or actions, or your attitude. You must take the courageous step of recognizing and owning your part, and then you have the power to change the situation.

Mistake #3:  Dishonesty

Dishonesty causes disconnection from yourself and others and creates barriers between you and your partner.  When you withhold your truth, you withhold your love!

Society’s agreement of telling the truth is to do it ONLY if it doesn’t make anyone uncomfortable, hurt anyone’s feelings and doesn’t cause a conflict.  The myth that we have been led to believe is that we actually CAN hurt another person’s feelings.

It’s actually our own lack of trust in ourselves to be able to deal with other’s reactions that is our excuse for not being honest. “How will I feel if this person reacts with anger or hurt” we ask ourselves. “I will feel really uncomfortable, don’t want that, so I better be dishonest or withhold my truth just in case.”

What to do instead…

Hold yourself able to be with yours and other emotions.  Take small steps at first, sharing little things with openness and curiosity.  Feel the relief that comes from not having to hold that energy.  Remember you are not being loving if you are being dishonest or withholding.

Eventually you will experience so much more energy and freedom that it will hurt more when you are not honest.  Once you have the courage to be honest about everything, you truly will experience more intimacy, love, and a more dynamic relationship.

“Honesty can be tough but it’s necessary if you want a close, connected,  intimate relationship.”

Imagine how different our lives and the world would be if we would all stop blaming and agree to be honest. It is within our power, each moment, to choose truth over lies and love over fear.”

If any of this resonates with you or you have any questions, please leave your comments below.  I’d love to hear what you think.