Relationships devoid of conflict are deadlier and unhealthier than the ones with obvious conflict.  Truth is relationships without conflict are very rare.  What are more common are relationships where there is the avoidance of conflict and apathy has set in.

Apathy in a relationship is a state of indifference towards your partner.  You suddenly realize you have become roommates instead of intimate partners.  You know the distance between you is growing, but you lack the desire or the energy to do something about it.

Apathy, like cancer can sneak up slowly and silently, and has the potential to destroy relationships.

The 3 Warning Signs of a Relationship in Apathy

1.     Taking each other for granted

When you take each other for granted, there is a lack of acknowledgment and consideration for the other person.  You’ve stopped thanking them when they do something for you, because now you just expect it.  You don’t acknowledge your partner verbally or with eye contact when they are speaking.  You start to see them as the roles they play in the relationship, the housekeeper, the breadwinner, mother, father.  You have expectations around what they should and shouldn’t do.

2.     Avoiding conflict

You have become so leery of bringing up any issue where there might be conflict you disengage all together because you are afraid of rocking the boat.  You suppress other emotions such as sadness, excitement, anger and passion because you’re afraid of not being accepted.  You put your time and energy into other activities or interests such as school, work, children, or hobbies and avoid putting any energy to the relationship.  You try to keep the peace at all cost.  Here you make compromises, and wherever there is compromise, there is resentment.

3.     No physical or sexual contact

Coldness and deadly quietness becomes the order of the day, you now live as strangers, always avoiding each other even though you are living in the same house. One of you may have relocated to the spare or guestroom just to ensure there is no room for physical or sexual contact.

Anger and passion are closely related in terms of both being very strong energies and sensations in the body.  So it makes sense then that if you are avoiding conflict and anger, the passion would also diminish, not just in the relationship, but in your life!

What to do instead:

If you are aware of these symptoms in your relationship, you need to act fast before things get out of hand, especially if the relationship is important to you.  Start to share appreciations with your partner for even the little things they do no matter how vulnerable you may feel doing it. Acknowledge things have gone off and make a date to sit down and start talking.

Speak up! If you disagree with your partner, say so! It Find a relationship coach or a relationship counsellor to help you deal with the issues that you haven’t been able to talk about on your own. The good news is that any relationship can come back from the dead no matter how bad things appear.

As a relationship coach, I see many people with good intentions make some very deadly mistakes in their relationship.  These mistakes actually give them the opposite of what they want as they interfere with connection and intimacy.

If you don’t become aware of these mistakes and change them, they eventually lead to disconnection and the death of the relationship.

Mistake #1:  Not Making Your Relationship a Priority

Lack of Connection is the number one reason that relationships fail!  You get too busy with other things and forget to make the relationship a priority.

Early in the relationship, in the Romance Stage, it’s easy because the endorphins are running and you want to spend as much time with each other as possible.  As the drugs wear off, it’s easy to forget to make the relationship a priority.  You begin to take the relationship for granted and the connection suffers.

What to do Instead…

Schedule time to connect with each other.  Relationships are like gardens.  If you fail to tend to them, they will grow over with weeds.

Share appreciations and gratitude on a regular basis.  You not only nourish the relationship, you nourish yourself.  You feel more open, happier and more loving.  What we focus on expands, so focus on those things you want to see more of.

And make sure you take time to talk about the important stuff. If you get stuck find a relationship coach to help.

Mistake #2:  Blaming

One of the reasons most of us blame is because it seems to work! It means we don’t have to experience the discomfort of looking at ourselves or take any responsibility for the situation.  It’s the OTHER person with the problem! We stay protected in our righteousness and our comfort zone.

The most destructive consequence from blaming is that you are being a victim and giving up your power to someone else.  Blaming depletes your energy and creates distance and resentment in your relationship.

What to do instead…

Take your power back. Take responsibility for your participation in whatever is happening.  (This does not mean you blame yourself).  You cannot be in a situation and not participate in it by your words, actions, lack of words or actions, or your attitude. You must take the courageous step of recognizing and owning your part, and then you have the power to change the situation.

Mistake #3:  Dishonesty

Dishonesty causes disconnection from yourself and others and creates barriers between you and your partner.  When you withhold your truth, you withhold your love!

Society’s agreement of telling the truth is to do it ONLY if it doesn’t make anyone uncomfortable, hurt anyone’s feelings and doesn’t cause a conflict.  The myth that we have been led to believe is that we actually CAN hurt another person’s feelings.

It’s actually our own lack of trust in ourselves to be able to deal with other’s reactions that is our excuse for not being honest. “How will I feel if this person reacts with anger or hurt” we ask ourselves. “I will feel really uncomfortable, don’t want that, so I better be dishonest or withhold my truth just in case.”

What to do instead…

Hold yourself able to be with yours and other emotions.  Take small steps at first, sharing little things with openness and curiosity.  Feel the relief that comes from not having to hold that energy.  Remember you are not being loving if you are being dishonest or withholding.

Eventually you will experience so much more energy and freedom that it will hurt more when you are not honest.  Once you have the courage to be honest about everything, you truly will experience more intimacy, love, and a more dynamic relationship.

“Honesty can be tough but it’s necessary if you want a close, connected,  intimate relationship.”

Imagine how different our lives and the world would be if we would all stop blaming and agree to be honest. It is within our power, each moment, to choose truth over lies and love over fear.”

If any of this resonates with you or you have any questions, please leave your comments below.  I’d love to hear what you think.